**Funny Islamic Jokes:**

Funny Islamic Jokes

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An Imam was selling his horse in the market. An interested buyer came to him and requested if he could get a test drive. The Imam told the man that this horse is unique. In order to make it walk, you have to say Subhanallah. To make it run, you have to say Alhamdulillah and to make it stop, you have to say Allahu Akbar. The man sat on the horse and said Subhanallah. The horse started to walk. Then he said Alhamdulillah and it started to run. He kept saying Alhamdulillah and the horse started running faster and faster. All of a sudden the man noticed that the horse is running towards the edge of the hill that he was riding on. Being overly fearful, he forgot how to stop the horse. He kept saying all these words out of confusion. When the horse was just near the edge, he remembered Allahu Akbar and said it out loud. The horse stopped just one step away from the edge. The man took a deep breath, looked up towards the sky and said Alhamdulillah!

True Incident: During a Jumah Khutbah in a small town, an Imam talked about the significance of saying “Insha Allah” (which means if Allah wills) when planning to do something in the future. After a few days, a man who had also attended the Khutbah was going to buy a cow from the market. On the way, he met a friend who asked him where he was going. He told him about buying the cow but did not say Insha Allah in the end. His friend reminded him about the Khutbah and told him to say Insha Allah. However, this individual said that he had the money he needs and the energy to go to the market, thus, there is no point of saying Insha Allah as he will certainly buy the cow. He thought that saying Insha Allah will not make any difference.

When he reached the market, he found a cow that met his expectations. He bargained with the seller and came to a reasonable price. Finally, he decided to pay for the cow but was dumbfounded when he discovered that his money was missing. A thief had stolen the money while he was walking through the busy market. The cow seller asked him whether he was going to buy the cow or not. “Insha Allah, I will buy it next week,” he said. When he reached home, his wife inquired about the cow. He told her about how he forgot to say Insha Allah, and also added, “Insha Allah, I wanted to buy the cow. But Insha Allah, my money was stolen. Insha Allah, I will buy it next week.” His wife clarified to him that we should say Insha Allah for things that are yet to happen, not for those things that had already happened. He never forgot his “Insha Allah” again.

A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl’s life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: “You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: “Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl” The man says: – “But I am not a New Yorker!” “Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: ‘Brave American saves life of little girl'” – the policeman answers. “But I am not an American!” – says the man. “Oh, what are you then? ” The man says: – “I am a Saudi !” The next day the newspapers says: “Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.

True Incident: A young man in a village refused to believe that Allah has total control of everything. He claimed that Allah cannot make him eat food if he didn’t want to eat. To prove his point, he decided to stay hungry for a day and see if Allah can make him eat. His mother tried her best to stop this foolishness but he paid no attention. Annoyed of his mother in the evening, he decided to climb a tree and isolate himself there. Being compassionate, his mother decided to leave the food under the tree incase her son finally gives up and wants to eat. When the night fell, a group of robbers were passing by that tree. They noticed a plate of delicious food placed under the tree. They looked at each other in amazement and thought that someone must be playing a trick on them. May be someone is trying to poison them with good food. They looked around to see if there was anyone nearby and noticed the young man on top of the tree. The robbers got him down and told him to eat the food to see if it is poisoned. But the young man refused to eat as he is still carrying on his challenge against Allah. The robbers became suspicious and started beating the young man to eat. He gave up and started eating. Seeing that the food was not poisoned, the robbers left him and went away. Finally, the young man admitted that yes, Allah has total control of everything!

An elderly lady was well-known for her Iman and for her confidence in talking about it. She would stand in front of her house and say Alhamdulilah “Allah be praised” to all those who passed by. Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, “There ain’t no Lord!!” Hard times came upon the elderly lady, and she prayed for Allah to send her some assistance. She would pray out loud in her night prayer” Oh Allah! I need food!! I am having a hard time, please Lord, PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!” The atheist happened to hear her as she was praying, and decided to play a prank on her. The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, “Alhamdulilah, Allah be praised!.” The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, “Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn’t.” The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, “ALHAMDULILAH WA SHUKRILLAH”. He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them!”

Two men were on a plane on a business trip when a Muslim couple boarded the plane and were seated right in front of them. The two men, eager to have some fun, started talking loudly. “My boss is sending me to Saudi Arabia”, the one said, “But I don’t want to go…too many Muslims there!” The Muslim couple noticeably heard and grew uncomfortable. The other guy laughed, “Oh, yeah, my boss wanted to send me to Pakistan but I refused…WAY too many Muslims!” Smiling, the first man said, “One time I was in Iran but I HATED the fact that there were so many Muslims!” The couple fidgeted. The other guy responded, “Oh, yeah…you can’t go ANYWHERE to get away from them…the last time I was in FRANCE I ran into a bunch of them too!” The first guy was laughing hysterically as he added, “That is why you’ll never see me in Indonesia…WAY too many Muslims!” At this, the Muslim man turned around and responded politely, “Why don’t you go to Hell?”, he asked, “I hear there’s not very many Muslims THERE!”

True Incident: The incident took place in South Asia. A man was offering salah in his house. He was praying as fast as he could as many of us do. All of a sudden, he heard the door behind him open. Since, someone entered the room, he started making his ruku and sujud longer. Upon completion of the salah, he looked back to see who it was. To his amazement, it was a dog!

Here is the story of an Imam who got up after Friday prayers and announced to the people:

“I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.”

“When I was in the desert,” said Nasruddin one day, “I caused an entire tribe of horrible and bloodthirsty bedouins to run.”

“However did you do it?” asked a person.

“Easy. I just ran, and they ran after me.”

Islamic Jokes – Part 1 (Nurollah X)

Jokes Which Can Get You Executed in IRI
Part One
As told by Hojatol Eslam Nurollah X
Written and Compiled by Ahreeman X
March 29, 2007

L. Hazrat-e Hojatol Eslam Nurollah X
R. Chef Ahreeman has cooked up some delicious Ash (stew) with Nim Man Roqan (a lot of grease) on the top for yous! Ahreeman always stirs it up good!

The Results of Taharat (Islamic Butt Wipe)

As you know, in Islam you have to “three times” stick 2/3 of your middle finger in your butt hole and drag your hand from the back of your in between butt cheeks area to the front and under your balls or vagina completely, when cleaning your butt after taking a dump. You should do this with one hand, while you are washing the butt with the other hand holding the Islamic Toilet Pitcher (Aftabeh) or the modern metal water hose, quite a task, ha?!

I mean one can argue if this butt sticking with the middle finger continues day in and day out and then some people take a dump a few times a day, then your butt will be fingered by 2/3 of your middle finger a few times a day! For Allah’s sake you may even begin to like it! Either that or you will rip your butt all in the name of Mohammed and Islam!

But one thing is for sure, after a few years of doing this butt fingering, eventually good pious Muslim will become Gay! I mean for God’s sake how can you keep on fingering your own butt month in and month out and not to become Gay?!

Have you been wondering why Muslim men enjoy the company of the young boys and Muslim women enjoy doing it up the Shiiter before the wedding, so they neither lose their virginity or get pregnant? It is all in the name of chastity! Well, this Islamic butt fingering during butt wash, directly prescribed by Mohammed is the direct cause of the popularity of Islamic Anal Sex (Lavat) in Islam!

It is amazing how Islam condemns homosexuality but then again in one form or another All Muslim are either in to Anal Sex or Gay! Don’t you just love Islam?

If you notice, throughout the whole Quran, Allah is concerned about your Belly (food) and Under Belly (sex)! Islam, the beautiful religion of Belly and Under Belly! Who are we to question the wisdom of Allah, maybe there is a wisdom in to all this butt fingering! Praise Allah!

* * *

Muslim Boys must watch it when they bend over up and down reading Namaz, thus Ahreeman is everywhere and he either pitchforks or fingers “All”!

Imam’s Holy Taharat (Islamic Butt Wipe)

As I have explained to you, in Islam you have to “three times” stick 2/3 of your middle finger in your butt hole and drag your hand from the back of your in between butt cheeks area to the front and under your balls or vagina completely, when cleaning your butt after taking a dump. You should do this with one hand, while you are washing the butt with the other hand holding the Islamic Toilet Pitcher (Aftabeh) or the modern metal water hose! The amazing Islamic butt wipe!

So anyhow, After the unsuccessful assassination of Ayatollah Khamenei by the opposition, and the episode of exploding a bomb, he just got wounded and lost the control of his one hand due to the neural issues. Also as you know one has to to do Islamicaly proper Taharat (Islamic Ass Wipe) in the bathroom. So with the loss of the use of one hand, Ayatollah could not do proper Taharat! So he used to ask his main bodyguard Pasdar (Islamic Revolutionary Guard) to help him wash his ass! Who knows, maybe this was the original incident which had caused the IRGC (Islamic Revolutionary Guards Corps) to have their heads up Imam’s ass and never taken it out!

So at the first episode of Ass Washing, this is what happened:

Ayatollah: Brother would you help me wash my ass, Islamicaly correct! You know with only one hand, it is surely hard to wash it by myself?

Pasdar: Yes my master, it is my Islamic Duty to Taharat, Ayatollah’s Ass!

Ayatollah: Thank you brother, please make sure that 2/3 of the middle finger goes in my hole and rubbed to the front and under my balls three times, religiously correct!

Pasdar: Yes Ayatollah, I shall do my task right.

Ayatollah: Yes I can feel it, that’s the way to do it.
(Picture Ayatollah squat sitting on the Islamic Flat Toilet and holding the Aftabeh (Islamic toilet pitcher) with his one good hand, while Asqar Pasdar is squatting on the floor next to him, sticking his finger in ayatollah Khamenei’s Ass, trying to properly wash that Holy Ass!) and suddenly…..
Ayatollah: Brother you could take your Ring off before you have started Taharat, it is
hurting me!?

Pasdar: But Master, that is not my Ring which you are feeling, yet it is my Hand Watch!

“Now Imagine how wide that hole must have been stretched throughout the years of “all male” religious study in Hozeye Elmiye Qom Religious Study University to become so insensitive!”

Praise be upon Allah!

* * *

Yasser Arafat: Holy Shiite, Jumping Coyotes, Holy Toledos, after all the good that I had done, why have I landed in Hell?!

The Turban

Back in Paris, before his arrival to Iran, right before the Revolution, one day Ayatollah Khomeini had an important meeting with the news media. Just before the news conference, he felt, that he has to take a dump! Now this happened in the villa, so he could not find an Islamic flat Toilet, he searched all around, yet no luck!

Finally he had to use a Western toilet bowl in the bathroom at the Villa! So he went inside the bathroom and tried to go on the top of the toilet bowl, then on the side, then looked all around, he just did not know how to use a Western Toilet!

“Ayatollah to himself”
Ayatollah: Should I go on top of it? Should I go at the bottom? Should I go around it? Or on the side, or what?!

So finally he gave up and he went in the front yard, a garden area, found a tree and took a dump over there under the tree, found some leaves to dry his butt, pulled up his Tonban (Islamic Pajama Pants), fixed his Aba (Islamic Robe), and got ready to go. Then he noticed that the Shiite (Islamic Shit, just kidding) was so visible, and when the reporters would walk in from the gate towards the villa’s main door and pass the tree, they will see the Holy Shiite!

Ayatollah: what to do, what to do to avoid the embarrassment?

OK he took off his Turban (Islamic Wrapped Up Round Holy Head Cover) and placed it on top of the Holy Shiite to cover it up! Then he ran inside the building to get ready for the news conference and interview.

Ghotbzadeh, back then Ayatollah’s Aid (Later killed by him) opened the gate and all the reporters walked in, rushing to the building’s door. In front of this crew was walking a Sister of Zeynab (Islamicaly Dressed in Black chador, Crow look alike Activist), suddenly sister saw the turban!

“She screamed”
Sister: Oh God, They terrorized Ayatollah Khomeini, those damn Taqutiyoun (Monarchists) had finally killed him, they also dropped his Turban under the tree, oh God help us …………. (moaning and crying)!

Ghotbzadeh: Do not panic, where is the body?

Sister: I don’t know, oh God, poor Ayatollah……

Ghotbzadeh: Let me see (While he picked up the turban), oh my Lord…..

Sister: Oh God, they also blew up his brains!

“Well, you know Holy Shiite, kind of looking like Ayatollah’s Brain and all….!”

* * *

She Devil: Now boys I understand that this a Eastern Style O Greeting and a cultural tradition for Eid-e Qorban and Eid-e Fetr; however, do not over do it, cause you may get aroused and tempted to jump each other’s bones and do some Lavat (Islamic Butt Bangarooni)! Down boys down …

The Pickles!

Ayatollah Montazeri was traveling in a helicopter, next to him was a guide to the region, which he was visiting, and the driver was sitting in the front. When they went above the Salt Desert and The Salt Lake (Central Iran), he required…

Ayatollah: Hey Yadollah, how come they don’t grow vegetables in this area, they always complain about the lack of fertile lands to grow vegetables, here are a lots of lands, why don’t they grow something, let’s say Cucumbers?

Aid: Haji (pilgrim), it is not possible to grow cucumbers here, it’s Salt Land.

Ayatollah: Then tell them to grow Pickles!

“Not much knowledge of Agriculture there, ha?!”

* * *

L. The Great Shiite Thinker
R. The Great Shiite Kicker!

Loans From God!

Time: Past

One day, God had decided to give a loan to his Holiest Saints and give them a chance to do some good with these loans, so he called over, Saint Paul, Joan De’Ark and Imam Ali Aleih Al Salaam (4th Caliph of Rashedin). God gave each of them $5000.00 as a loan, and back then that was a lot of money! God told them to go spend the money wisely to do some good by spreading the word of the Lord.. God wanted his principal and interest in Good Deeds!

Time: Present

So God got back to these Saints and started his inquiries,

G: So tell me Paul, what have you accomplished with the funds in which I have loaned to you?

Saint Paul: Well I went and spent the money on helping the needy, preaching the word and do some good deeds.

G: Bless your good heart Paul, you have done good. What about you Joan?

Joan De’Ark: Well I have drafted many soldiers from the poorest of classes in the society so at the same time I have provided them with jobs, also made them to spread the word of the Lord to all.

G: Joan my daughter, you have done well. I am proud of you. How about you Ali? As the Fourth Caliph of Rashedin and the first Shiite Imam, I have high expectations from you, so tell me all about the wondrous ways that you have spent the money?

Ali: Forgive me Allah and please be merciful. Dear Allah, let me be honest with you, myself, I have been murdered by the hands of “Ibn Al Muljem” The “Khavarej” infidel, so I have died and left the money to Hussein (3rd Shiite Imam). Hussein also has been murdered by the hands of “Yazid” the “Umayyid” infidel, so he also died and left the money to Mahdi (12th Shiite Imam). Now we were counting on Mahdi to do some good with the dough, but that Son of a Bitch just got up one day and went in to a Water Well and disappeared with all the money! So far we have heard nothing more about his whereabouts and we are still waiting on his Shiite Ass to return!

Praise be upon Allah!

* * *

America’s Most Wanted
L. Wanted Islamist for imitating a Radical Liberal Democrat – Seyed Michael al Moore
C. Wanted Crooked Billionaire for imitating an Islamist – Ali Akbar Hashemi Rafsanjani
R. Wanted Clown Baboon for imitating president of Iran – Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

History of Namaz (Islamic Prayer)
Passion for Prophets!

Time: Long ago in the past, about 1400 years ago,

One day, God got very horny and he decided to bang all his prophets! So he called over Moses and told him,

G: You’re a good prophet of mine and you are well obedient. I am very horny and I have decided to bang all my prophets! Will you bend over and let me do the nasty with you?

M: Of course, you are God, the big G Man. I will do anything to please you.

G: Ohhhhhhhhhh Yeay……., I tell you what, bend over and let me do the Shalom Malekhem on your Semite Booty and if it feels good, I will give salvation to your people and Umma’.

So Moses bent over and God was pumping them Holy juices into his Khutbah Holy Booty and he truly enjoyed pumping that Jewish Butt, so he went,

G: Ohhhhhhhh…….Yeeeee….., That was mighty fine, Jewish Buns are mighty tight and fine. I knew that Jews are so tight, but I had no idea that they are also very tight down there as well! As I promised I will grant your people salvation. May your folks control the World’s Economy!

Results of Moses’ Putting out:
As we see the results, Jews, until this day, do control the world’s economy.

Next day God got horny again and called upon Jesus,

G: Hey big J, I heard you’re a peaceful humble man, they slap you on one side of your face and you turn over the other cheek to be bitch slapped! They slap you on your right butt cheek and you turn over the other cheek to be spanked! So I tell you what, why don’t you bend over and let me do the Sunday Mass on your Lordship’s Buns and drop some holy water on your buttocks? If I will be satisfied with the work out and your performance, I will grant your people salvation?

J: Dear Father, you are the mighty God, I do as you please. I will do anything for my people’s salvation.

So Jesus bent over and God done a 30 minute Christian Bangarooni on his Holy buns. Jesus suffered much but not a single word of resentment! Jesus only moaned and screamed in pain. Once done, God said,

G: Hmmmm, Ahhhhhh, Uhhhh, Oohhhh, yeeee, Christian buns are mighty fine, Jesus you pleased us well.

J: Well Father you been kind O hard on my behind and made me suffer and bleed for many of my followers’ sins! But I suffered in silence!

G: Well, for your good services, I will grant your people salvation. May your people control the world’s technology.

Results of Jesus’ suffering upon the schlong and his ripped anus:
As the results, up to this date, the Western Christian Nations, do control and lead the world’s technology.

Next day, God got horny again and called Mohammed over,

G: Mo, I am very horny today, I have heard so much about them Arab Tazi Hard Buns! Will you bend over and let me do the Ya Habibi on your Mataht, I wanna do a Marathon Bang on your Arab Buns and if I get satisfied and like your services, I will grant salvation to your Umma’ and the good Muslim Folks?

Mo: The Fandango with my Umma’ and good Muslim folks! I am an Arab Man, I will never bend over for anyone, including you, to bang my Mataht! Frag Muslim Umma’ who wants salvation by me sacrificing my Buns! I do not care if you are God, The Fandango with you too! Us, Arabs have been Lavating (Islamic Butt Bang) and Butt Banging all the good folks ourselves, what makes you think that we will bend over for anyone to bang us? The Hell with you!

G: I am warning you Mohammed, just bend over and shut your mouth, I am Allah and I order you to do so.

Mo: The hell with that, never, ever, I shall bend over and let any one to Butt bang me. I saw what you have done to Jesus’ virgin Butt!

G: OK then, I shall condemn your Umma’. May your people, stay poor, backward, filthy, ignorant and deeply in superstitions and chaos forever and for eternity!

Results of Mohammed not bending over for Allah:
As we see, the whole Middle East, Near East, North Africa and North West Oceania are the most fanatical, illiterate, backward, filthy, superstitious, poverty stricken, and Low Tech regions of the world!

Time: Now, the present

About 1400 years passed and as we see today, depending on the fraction or sect of Islam, Muslim do their prayer (Salath or Namaz) between 5 times a day (Sunni) to 3 times a day (Shiite), and during this prayer, they keep on bending up and down so many times and every time they bend over, depending on the sect between 3 to 5 times a day, they look at the sky, and say,

Muslim: Allah, we are so sorry for disobedient of Mohammed, please forgive us, we have been bending over during each Namaz so many times and in 3 to 5 separate sessions per day. We have been bending over for 1400 years, since the day that Mohammed boldly refused your order to bend over! God, please forgive us and have mercy on our poor doomed souls, please bang away our Muslim Buns, rip it away and grant us salvation, we are tired of our third world destiny that you wrote for us, we have been suffering for 1400 years! We beg of you Allah? Will you find it in your heart to forgive us Muslim for Mohammed’s Sins? Allah, please bang us and hand us salvation?

Allah: Sorry Folks, it is too late, I am not horny any more!

….and that is the truth and nothing but the truth and historically correct indeed!


* * *

Islamic Integration of Europe
A present for Europe – Great Islamic White Cake for EU

Khomeini Goes to the Other Side!

Khomeini died and he went to the other side.. He met God and God told him, here is the Deal, you will go on top of this great lengthy slide and you will slide on down and you will notice a number of tents along side the great slide. You will try to get into one of these tents to avoid sliding all the way down! If you manage to get into any of these tents, then you will get to stay in Heaven, but if you will not be able to get into any of them, then you will slide on down all the way to the bottom of the slide and as you can see, Devil with his Huge pitchfork is waiting to stick that Fork up your butt and make Hell Stew out of your Ass! So this is a challenge for you to save your soul! Now go on and best of luck to you.

So Khomeini started on top of the slide and went sliding down until he saw the first tent. He knocked on the door and Mohammed opened the door,

Khomeini: Mohammed, you are a Muslim and I am a Muslim too! Will you find it in your heart to let me in the tent, so I can get into heaven?

Mohammed: Get the hell out of here, you son of a bitch. You have damaged the prestige of Islam, Quran, and myself, so bad, that it is beyond repair! Get the hell out of the tent and don’t come back.

So Khomeini kept on sliding down until he saw the second tent, he knocked on the door and Moses opened the door,

Khomeini: Moses, you are a forgiving prophet. I know that I have done harm to the Jews in Iran, but I am sorry for my actions of the past and I beg forgiveness from you. Please let me in this tent, so I can save my soul and get into the Heaven, will you?

Moses: Listen son of a bitch, you demolished, oppressed, and enslaved the Jews of Iran, Big Time! Now you beg for forgiveness?! Get the hell out of this tent and don’t ever come back here.

Khomeini started sliding down to Hell and there was standing the Devil with his pitchfork moving up and down, smiling at him and awaiting his arrival! Khomeini was sweating crazy and fearful of his future!

So Khomeini kept on sliding down, until he saw the last tent, he knocked and amazingly, no one opened the door but the door automatically opened up by itself! Khomeini looked amazed and required,

Khomeini: Oh my Lord, it’s you! They say you are the most forgiving person. I have done wrong to All, but now I need mercy, please show mercy on my soul. They say that you forgive and forget, they say that you always turned the other cheek, will you find it in your heart to forgive my sins and let me in? You are my last hope and if you reject me, I will fall down in Hell. Look at this Devil guy down there, do you see him? He is waving his pitchfork at me and he wants to rip my Ass apart with it! Please save me or the Devil will stick it big time to me! I beg of you Lord?!

Jesus: Oh dear poor soul, what can I say, I am a forgiving person! I cannot refuse you and let you fall in the depths of Hell! But there is a problem! Well, look at me (pointing at his hands and feet nailed to the cross), my hands are tied, but I tell you what, you can always try to hold on to this (pointing at his penis sticking out of his pubic hair, fully erect), and hang on to it! If it can handle your weight, you can hang on to it and drag yourself off of the slide and into the tent to see salvation, but if it will not be strong enough to carry your weight, then I guess you will just have to fall down and slide on down to Hell! So grab it with both hands and give it a shot Ruhollah!


* * *

Why are you laughing at me? So you think I am funny? What am I? An object for your amusement? You won’t be laughing when I back kick your ass infidel! I am only a good Muslim same as you trying to read these despicable blasphemous jokes by that infidel Ahreeman, may he rests in depths of Hell!

The History of Tasbih (Islamic Rosary Beads)
Islamic History 101

People often ask me what is the use of Tasbih?

Allow me to explain:

Before Islam
Before Islam, Arabs were always sitting around the tents and playing with their balls!

Mohammed Came
Mohamed came and handed them Tasbih, so they would seize playing with their balls and start playing with Tasbih!

After Islam
Today, Arabs are playing with Tasbih while reading verses of Quran or simply repeating Allah O Akbar a 1000 times! However, late at night and under the blankets, away from the watching eyes of Mohammed and Allah, they still play with their balls! Old habits die hard!

Peek a Boo!
Allah can see you!
Allah O Akbar!

* * *

Infidels, read your Quran and Namaz or you will end up looking like this!

Islamic Jokes – Part 2 (Nurollah X)
Jokes Which Can Get You Executed in IRI
Part Two

As told by Hojatol Eslam Nurollah X
Written and Compiled by Ahreeman X
March 29, 2007

L. Hazrat-e Hojatol Eslam Nurollah X
C. Prophet Mohammed PBUHB (Peace Be Upon His Bone) doing the Booty Shake!
R. Prophet Mohammed PBUHB (Peace Be Upon His Bone) doing the Islamic Lambada!

The Amazing Religious Tales!

A Jew Boy (Shamoel) and a Muslim Boy (Abdul) were telling each other about the amazing religious tales of each others’ religions! As usual they were both exaggerating! This is how it went:

Jew Boy: My beloved prophet, Moses has done many miracles.

Muslim Boy: And so has done Mohammed, Peace Be Upon Him, Sala Allah-a Va Alayha Va Alleh, the wise one..

J: Moses done the greatest of miracles.

M: No, Mohammed’s miracles were the greatest!

J: I’m telling you Abdul, our prophet done the greatest of the miracles in the world!

M: OK, fine, then tell me about one of those great miracles and I tell you one, and then we compare them together to see which one is the greatest.

J: Fine, once upon a time my beloved Umma’ of Zion were escaping the Egyptian Armies of Pharaoh and they had to cross the Nile River to safety, onward to Sinai and The Promised Land. The only path to escape the Egyptian Atrocities were to cross The Nile River. The tides were high and no bridge to cross and the Egyptians were getting closer!

M: Then what happened, tell me Shamoel?

J: Suddenly Prophet Moses came up with an idea! A Bright Light had formed above his head and a hallow around his head!

M: What was it Shamoel?

J: He took off his Robe, squatted near The Nile with his bare butt near the water and Shiited an Island!

M: What do you mean?

J: He actually done a bowl movement right there and then. His Feces were as large as an Island and it suddenly dried up as a rock hard island, right in the middle of Nile! So the whole Umma’ consisting of the men, women, children, horses, carriages and camels with all the cargo, used this island as a bridge to cross the Nile towards safety. When The Umma’ of Yahud crossed the river, Prophet Moses pointed his cane at the island and ordered the island to sink in The Nile. The Island of Dried Feces sunk in the river and Egyptians couldn’t cross the river to get caught up with us! This is how Moses saved our Umma’! Yahweh bless his great soul, our prophet Moses had done his greatest miracle. Now try to match that, can you Abdul?

M: That’s nothing Shamoel! Let me tell you about a great miracle of Mohammed (PBUH)! It was during Battle of Khaybar. The city of Khaybar was 200 Kilometers to the North of Madinah. In spite of the pact of peace between the Muslims and the Meccans, the Jews of Khaybar remained defiant and well in to their usual intrigues. They still disallowed the Muslim trade caravans to pass through the territories of Khaybar, so that the Muslims could not develop economic ties with the northern countries. The Jews of Khaybar had enough military strength to face the Muslims unassisted by the Quraysh. The Prophet (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) wanted to reach an accord with the Jews of Khaybar as had been reached with the idolaters, apostates and pagans of Mecca, but the Jews were in no way prepared to extend friendship for peace. Jihad was the only solution! Ali Ibn Al Abi Talib, our Moula and The Fourth Caliph of Rashedin, screamed,

Ali: “Ya Mohammed, what shall we do? Help us to gain victory in this Battle and destroy the Koffar with the Sword of Islam! Ya Mohammed, show us the path to glory, will ya?”

J: And then what happened?

M: So Mohammed went into deep thoughts! There was a Rock-like Mountain Range on our side and there was one on their side and in the middle was a great valley deep and in between the two mountain range. We had to teach the Jews a lesson and to bring salvation to our Umma’ of Muslemin. Somehow we had to cross from the top of this valley, from our side of the mountain to their side of the mountain to go to war with the Koffar Haramis.

J: So what did he do?

M: Mohammed (PBUH), pondered a bit and finally he jumped in joy thus he came up with a wise idea! He opened his robe, pulled down his pajamas and then took out his Baba Qonoush!

J: Why his Baba Qonoush?

M: Wait, I tell you all about it! So he took out his Baba Qonoush Schlong and two testicles, out of his pajamas. The site was amazing! He pumped up each of his Donbalans (Testicles) as the leverage on both sides of the pathway on the mountain top and then he stretched his Baba Qonoush (Penis) all the way from our side of the mountain to their side of the mountain! After wards our Umma’ stood amazed but Prophet ordered them: “C’mon my good Muslim, cross the valley from the mountain tops using my natural Baba Qonoush Bridge!”

J: And then what?

M: So the Umma’ crossed the mountain pass on Prophet’s Schlong Top! The Umma’ with all their camels, horses, weapons, war carriages and cargo went across the mountain over prophet’s schlong and then the Muslim took this as a good omen and declared Jihad to Infidel Kaffir Jews.

J: The Jews were Kaffir?

M: Well those were bad Jews! Unlike you and your family, they troubled the Prophet (PBUH). So Muslemin had to conduct a Jihad and finally we defeated them, Islam was victorious and Muslemin opened up the trade roots for rest of the Muslim Tribes.

J: OK, wait a second, how the hell did Muslim win this battle so fast?

M: Many blessings to Prophet’s Baba Qonoush, it stretched and Muslemin used it as a bridge to cross The Mountains and Valley Tops!

J: Are you taking me for a fool?

M: Why?

J: How can a Penis be stretched so much, to be used as a bridge?

M: I swear to you, it is written in Hadith! Prophet had an amazing Baba Qonoush, he had 21 wives and many concubines and he was satisfying them all!

J: Fine, but one question, let’s suppose that Mohammed had a Schlong that long and that thick, but where would he stick a Schlong that long and that thick? Where would he stick it in? A Schlong that huge, where would he put it?

M: That’s easy Shamoel! He would stick that huge humongous schlong in the Huge Butt Hole which Shiited an Island in the middle of the Nile! Only a Holy Bung Hole, that Huge could take and Harbor a Holy Schlong that large!

J: Sigh ………..!

* * *

Ahreeman: Boy, didn’t I tell you to be careful while bending over for Namaz, thus Ahreeman will pitchfork your buns? Ahreeman does not discriminate, he fingers “All”!

Runaway Cock!

The Mullah in a small Iranian village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out at the back of the Mosque. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.

One Thursday night the cock rooster was missing and the Mullah suspected that this was the time the cock fights occurred in the village. So, he decided to do something about it at the Mosque the next morning.

At Friday Jum’a prayer, he asked the Umma’, “Has anybody got a cock?”
All the men stood up.

“No, No”, he said, “that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?”
All the women stood up.

“No, No”, he said, “that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them?”
Half the women stood up.

“No, No”, he said, “that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?”
All the Tolab boys (Religious Study Students) stood up!

* * *

Abdul: Looki look, that’s the Crescent and Star, Islamic Symbol!
She Devil: Nutty nutty boy, that’s Allah the Moon God (Crescent) and Mohammed (Star), the Islamic Symbol! Next time pay more attention or I will hand you to Ahreeman to pitchfork your butt!

Modern Islamic Marriage

A “modern” Islamic couple were preparing for a religious wedding, so they met with their Mullah for counseling. The Mullah asked if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asked,

Man: We realize it’s tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we’d like your permission to dance together.

Mullah: Absolutely not. It’s immoral. Men and women always dance separately.

Man: So after the ceremony I can’t even dance with my own wife?

Mullah: No, It’s forbidden in Islam.

Man: Well, okay, but what about sex? Can we finally have sex?

Mullah: Of course! Allah O Akbar (God is great)! Sex is OK within the marriage, to have children!

Man: What about different positions?

Mullah: Allah O Akbar! No problem.

Man: Woman on top is OK?

Mullah: Sure, Allah O Akbar. Go for it!

Man: Doggy style?

Mullah: Sure! La Ellaha Ella Allah! Allah O Akbar!

Man: On the kitchen table?

Mullah: Yes, yes! Allah O Akbar!

Man: Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather straps, whips, gags, butt plugs, a bucket of honey and a porno S&M video?

Mullah: You may indeed. Allah O Akbar!

Man: Can we do it standing up?

Mullah: No.

Man: Why not?

Mullah: Because that could lead to dancing.

Man: Sigh …..!

* * *

L. Chef Ahreeman has cooked up some delicious Ash (stew) with Nim Man Roqan (a lot of grease) on the top for you! Ahreeman always stirs it up good! Not to worry OJ, I mean Osama, just show me your real face?
R. OJ incognito!

The Amazing Trade of Places, After 1979!

An American Reporter needed to conduct a special report on Iran, so he goes to Iran and visits a mosque. He goes to this huge mosque and sees that people are lined up at the gate! So he asks an Iranian,

Reporter: What is this line for?

Iranian: It is a food line. There is a food shortage and these people have coupons for food, so they are waiting in the line to get their ration.

R: But this is not a food bank, this is a mosque? Shouldn’t people be praying here?

I: Prayer in the mosque! You must be kidding! We don’t pray in the mosques! Not in Iran my man!

R: Then where do they hold the prayers? I want to see Namaz?

I: If you want to see prayers, then you must go to Tehran University.

R: This is strange! They hold the prayers in the university?! Why do they pray at the universities? What about the academic work in there? What about the intellectuals there? Where are the students, faculty and the intellectuals?

I: If you want to see our students, professors and intellectuals, then you must go to the Evin Prison. All intellectuals are in the prison.

R: This is weird! Everything is misplaced here! Intellectuals are in jail, then where are the criminals?

I: Criminals?! (he smiles) Check out the government, they are running the country!

* * *

Don’t pitchfork me Ahreeman, I’m not a Pious Sister of Zeynab. I’m only a penguin!

Cowboys and Muslims

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights. One was an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another was a cowboy on his way to Billings, Montana for a stock show. The third passenger was a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside blows tumbleweeds, and the old windsock flaps, but no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly, he speaks,

Indian: Once, my people were many… now we are few.

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward,

Arab: Once my people were few (he sneers), and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is (pointing at his schlong)?

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson cowboy hat says in a drawl,

Cowboy: That’s cause we ain’t played Cowboys and Muslims yet.

Indian: Sigh …….!

* * *

Disappearance of Imam Mahdi in the well
What Kind O Shiite have you just flushed down there?!

KIR Parasti

Is it a question of:
KIR (Khomeini’s Islamic Republic) worship?
KIR (Prick in Persian) worship?
KIR Parasti, is it a symptom or is it a Disease?
Let’s analyze,

KIR Parasti (Neo Shiite-ism Philosophy)!

A new wave in Shiite Culture!

First there was:

Arab Parastan = Arab Worshipers (Muslim)

Then came:

Khareji Parastan = Foreign Worshipers

Next came:

Tazi Parastan = Arabic Hound Dog Worshipers

and now a new term!
The beginning of a new era…..
by Admzad:

KIR Parastan = Dick Worshipers!

“KIR = Khomeini’s Islamic Republic
KIR = Penis in Persian”

Hey, do not put it down,
some are

Iran Parast =Iran Worshipers
Vatan Parast = Nationalists
Arya Parast = Aryan Worshipers

So why not:

KIR Parast?

So I am thinking of a new curriculum! Maybe from next semester, Hmmmmmmmmmm:

Neo Persian “Meli Mazhabi” Phenomenon 101
Instructor: Dr. X
Text: KIR Parasti
Author: Admzad
Units: 4 credits
Language: Persian
Branch: Religion and Philosophy
Level: University Upper Division Level
Benefits: Learning Neo Islamic Culture
Information and Introduction:

A brand new Philosophical, Ideological and Religion!
A new Terminology for the same old,
Arabo-Muslim Worshiper Good Old Folks,

KIR Parastan!

the religion will be: KIR Parasti
the movement will be: KIR Parasti
the verb will be: KIR Parastidan
the believer and faithful will be: KIR Parast
the official documented religious laws following, will be: KIR Parasti-ye Shar’i
the official prayer or Namaz will be: KIR Parastesh
the follower’s love for the belief will be: Eshq-e Be KIR Parasti
the hard-core militant fanatics lovers of the Neo Belief will be: KIR Dustan
the western term for the Neo Philosophy will be: KIR-ism
the minor followers and junior enthusiasts of the cult will be: KIRi (singular) or KIRis (plural)
the faithful who would like to posses the new knowledge will be: KIR Khahan

Oh boy,

What a Neo Ideology this will be!

The fine Philosophy and Neo Islamic Ideology of:

KIR Parasti

Ya Allah

* * *

Georgie Porgie Puddin Pie,
Kiss the Abdul, break his heart!
Is he a Reformist getting an erection over Khatami’s Civil Society?

Adventures of Akbari and Asqari

Akbari: What do you call an Iranian who has no education, no business mind, no talent, no trade, no skills, no charisma, isn’t good with money, and now can’t even get it up, and on top of it all, he also reads Namaz?

Asqari: Worthless?

Akbari: No, but close! So what-choma-call-him?

Asqari: I don’t know, what do you call him?

Akbari: Reza Pahlavi II

* * *

Peek a Boo,
I can see you!

Adventures of Akbari and Asqari

Akbari: What do you call an Iranian who is a Marxist but pretends to be a Muslim, who is red but wears green, who switches husbands like under-wears but religiously correct and shar’i, who is an atheist but reads Namaz?

Asqari: Con Artist?

Akbari: No, but close! So what-choma-call-her?

Asqari: I don’t know, what do you call her?

Akbari: Maryam Rajavi.

* * *

Asqari: Is that Sepah Pasdaran (Islamic Revolutionary Guards) having their heads up Imam’s ass?
Akbari: No, he is only a poor guy having his head up his ass!

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